"People who drink whiskey are nothing but tree-huggers sucking on bark." -father
"[Vodka] makes me want to sing." - sister
"Casey's like a brother to me, I'd take a bullet for him. Then punch him in the face." -me
"When your dog gooses me from behind, it feels like it's happening from the front." - nephew
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Special Moments with Dad
So I'm working on a sketch upstairs in the designated TV room when I realize my father has fallen asleep mid-click, and I'm now forced to either pry the clicker from his meaty hands and hope not to wake him, or watch whatever is on. Luckily he fell asleep mid-click on a mildly entertaining new show called Men of a Certain Age with Ray Ramono, so I decided to watch it.
The show starts out with Ray's character having a black-eye and then the episode is him telling the story of how he got the black eye.
So I'm watching, now with sincere earnest, dying to know how he got his black eye, when my father wakes up and immediately resumes the channel surfing, not skipping a beat, and also not realizing he'd taken a 30 minute nap in between flips. He also didn't realize that I'd gotten desperately interested in a show where a 40 year old gets a black eye. I must know what happened! So I ask him to switch it back and he obliges.
Shortly after that the sex scene starts. I'm not even uncomfortable watching the sex scene with my father, it's a TNT series so they were basically clothed. But then Ray Ramono's character pre-ejaculates and in his humiliation throws the girl off of him and runs for the bathroom. Still not awkward watching this with my father until my daddy asks me: "What just happened?"
Um, err, eee, uh, err...yeah.
Nothing like having the birds and the bees talk with your 65 year old daddy.
The show starts out with Ray's character having a black-eye and then the episode is him telling the story of how he got the black eye.
So I'm watching, now with sincere earnest, dying to know how he got his black eye, when my father wakes up and immediately resumes the channel surfing, not skipping a beat, and also not realizing he'd taken a 30 minute nap in between flips. He also didn't realize that I'd gotten desperately interested in a show where a 40 year old gets a black eye. I must know what happened! So I ask him to switch it back and he obliges.
Shortly after that the sex scene starts. I'm not even uncomfortable watching the sex scene with my father, it's a TNT series so they were basically clothed. But then Ray Ramono's character pre-ejaculates and in his humiliation throws the girl off of him and runs for the bathroom. Still not awkward watching this with my father until my daddy asks me: "What just happened?"
Um, err, eee, uh, err...yeah.
Nothing like having the birds and the bees talk with your 65 year old daddy.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Holidays
Finally the arduous holiday's are over, and I'm handling them this year by restarting therapy this Friday. It's weird to be with my family because the person they see me as is not the person I see myself as, nor does any of the people I consider to be my family (my friends.) But alas, every year, I end up acting like the person they see me as. (which is a bitch) As if I want to prove them right. And if I don't act like that person, well then they improvise.
Let me explain.
If you know me, or have been reading this blog, ya all know by now that I live in my parents basement. So when we celebrated Christmas with my family, my nephews (ages 12-14) were playing hide and go seek down in the basement, where part of my living space is. Now, really, it's not a good idea for them to be in my room, I'm doing them a favor...no pre-teen needs to experience seeing their aunt and uncles underwear strewn about, with condoms and sex toys not put away. No one is ever allowed in our room but us, so we don't care to tuck those things away in drawers a lot of the time.
Anyways, so I go down stairs and these were my exact words to them in a calm voice "Hey are you guys still playing hide and go seek?" They answer yes, "Well that's cool if you play, but can you not go into my home (gesturing to my bedroom and art room) while your playing?" In which case one of my nephews says okay, and all is well.
Except for the fact that apparently I traumatized one of my nephews who now refuses to ever go to his grandma's house again. He's the nephew that refuses to make eye contact with me, or talk to me, even if I say his name and say hello, he pretends I don't exist. I've never understood it. But once he told his dad what happened, his dad told everyone else in my family that I basically told his son to get the f*$% out of my house, which I find very unlikely. Then my mother tells me that we're in trouble because I can't hold my tongue? Hello? The reason why I have this blog is because I've been told that I "swallow" my anger rather than expressing it, and I'm trying to find some pathetic way of expressing it where no one will know about it, because somehow feeling angry makes me feel guilty. WTF?
However I did apparently traumatize my thin-skinned brother who's five years my senior when I told him that day that I thought he was being pretentious and judgemental. Maybe not the best choice of words. He was going on and on about Avatar and how James Cameron is arrogant, and that the movie was a piece of shit and that people aren't going to like it (????) and then he equated the movie to him creating shit and selling it....or something like that.
Really though, critics are a pet peeve of mine, because anyone can be a critic, but not everyone can be as successful, talented, and creative as James Cameron, so until you are even in his league, nobody gives a shit what you think, so stop trying to make your opinion matter more than everyone else.
If you've never made a movie before you probably shouldn't pass judgement on someone else who's at least tried (unless that movie is I Know Who Killed Me, seriously that movie was the worst).
...and if you've never tried writing a book before, maybe you're not the best book critic.
Or if you've never been a parent, you probably aren't the best person to give parenting advice...
Granted I understand that everyone has their own likes and dislikes, and ways of doing things, but just because you don't like something doesn't mean other people wont. Maybe your just not the targeted audience. So don't assume that because you don't like something, that somehow your opinion is more right than someone else's.
Now granted if I don't like something, I'll say that I didn't really like it, or that it wasn't for me. It's not like I try and sugar coat everything to live in a rose colored world. I simply just recognize that opinion is simply that, an opinion, not a fact.
God created diversity for a reason, lets all try and get along.
Let me explain.
If you know me, or have been reading this blog, ya all know by now that I live in my parents basement. So when we celebrated Christmas with my family, my nephews (ages 12-14) were playing hide and go seek down in the basement, where part of my living space is. Now, really, it's not a good idea for them to be in my room, I'm doing them a favor...no pre-teen needs to experience seeing their aunt and uncles underwear strewn about, with condoms and sex toys not put away. No one is ever allowed in our room but us, so we don't care to tuck those things away in drawers a lot of the time.
Anyways, so I go down stairs and these were my exact words to them in a calm voice "Hey are you guys still playing hide and go seek?" They answer yes, "Well that's cool if you play, but can you not go into my home (gesturing to my bedroom and art room) while your playing?" In which case one of my nephews says okay, and all is well.
Except for the fact that apparently I traumatized one of my nephews who now refuses to ever go to his grandma's house again. He's the nephew that refuses to make eye contact with me, or talk to me, even if I say his name and say hello, he pretends I don't exist. I've never understood it. But once he told his dad what happened, his dad told everyone else in my family that I basically told his son to get the f*$% out of my house, which I find very unlikely. Then my mother tells me that we're in trouble because I can't hold my tongue? Hello? The reason why I have this blog is because I've been told that I "swallow" my anger rather than expressing it, and I'm trying to find some pathetic way of expressing it where no one will know about it, because somehow feeling angry makes me feel guilty. WTF?
However I did apparently traumatize my thin-skinned brother who's five years my senior when I told him that day that I thought he was being pretentious and judgemental. Maybe not the best choice of words. He was going on and on about Avatar and how James Cameron is arrogant, and that the movie was a piece of shit and that people aren't going to like it (????) and then he equated the movie to him creating shit and selling it....or something like that.
Really though, critics are a pet peeve of mine, because anyone can be a critic, but not everyone can be as successful, talented, and creative as James Cameron, so until you are even in his league, nobody gives a shit what you think, so stop trying to make your opinion matter more than everyone else.
If you've never made a movie before you probably shouldn't pass judgement on someone else who's at least tried (unless that movie is I Know Who Killed Me, seriously that movie was the worst).
...and if you've never tried writing a book before, maybe you're not the best book critic.
Or if you've never been a parent, you probably aren't the best person to give parenting advice...
Granted I understand that everyone has their own likes and dislikes, and ways of doing things, but just because you don't like something doesn't mean other people wont. Maybe your just not the targeted audience. So don't assume that because you don't like something, that somehow your opinion is more right than someone else's.
Now granted if I don't like something, I'll say that I didn't really like it, or that it wasn't for me. It's not like I try and sugar coat everything to live in a rose colored world. I simply just recognize that opinion is simply that, an opinion, not a fact.
God created diversity for a reason, lets all try and get along.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Um, Yeah...
My friend recently asked me if John Lennon was a part of The Beatles.
Of course I stared at him stunned in which case he said, "John Lennon is a musician, right?"
Of course I stared at him stunned in which case he said, "John Lennon is a musician, right?"
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Are we still talking about Tiger Woods?
Seriously?
I ran into my own mailbox once, in the middle of the day, sober, not talking on the phone or texting or anything? Can I make headline news?
***Regrettably a True Story***
Thanksgiving quotes....
"Everyone expects me to act like a crazy bitch so I'm going to act like a crazy bitch!"
-Said by my mother at 9:30 a.m. that morning.
Me: "Why did you flip your son off during the prayer?"
Brother-in-law: "Because he's having a birthday soon."
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