Ted, the Douche

So I uh, was hoping that when I created this blog that it would work as a forum for others to share their stories of douche baginess, but I haven't gotten any submissions, so apparantly I'm the only one with either A. Serious Anger Problems, or B. Serious Douche Bag Problems. Only time will tell.

So here I unveil my FIRST douche bag post. I saved it on my computer after I wrote it, long before I had this blog. I figured it would never see the light of day. It's probably one of the meanest one's I've written. That and the one about my mother. But I figured I'd hold out on posting the one douching my mother until it WASN'T mother's day, to show some respect and what not.

So here it is....My very first douche: Ted.

I’m at film festival near my home town and I’m talking to Erin who’s documentary FagBug was just shown. I smile at her, she’s cute and seems gentle and nice. She searches through a small wad of cash for change for a Fagbug sticker I just purchased and asked me how I liked the show. I, of course say I loved it, which wasn’t a lie, and think about my gay brother and wish he was there, even though he is total annoying older brother pain in the ass.

Then shortly after that, the crowd scatters and another, um, person (Ted, lets say) begins to discuss an issue he had with the projector on her film, (which it was shown late due to this,) and on his tangent he says something along the lines of “screwed up the buthole”.

First of all, who says that? Honestly I am dying to know who actually says that? And secondly in front of a lesbian/gay rights activist? Hello? I was out of breath from shock and by the time I was ready to say “dude, did you just say 'screwed up the butthole'"? and laugh in his face, it was already too late.

Now maybe it’s not that big of the deal, but it seemed offensive. Yes this is what is offensive to me. Lewis Black, the potty mouth comedian, I find hilarious, saying things with bigotry undertones, not funny.

So next time you say something is “gay” try saying it’s “festive” festive is the new gay. Or if you feel like saying someone “jewed” you out of something. Smack yourself across the face. Or next time you find yourself calling someone a “cotton picken” liar, take a sledge hammer to your left knee. And next time you hear yourself saying “love the sinner, not the sin” poke a finger in your own eye and curse yourself for having sex, eating, pooping, laughing, loving, and everything else that is completely natural for you. And make sure to feel really, really guilty about it until you’ve shamed yourself into a corner where you just want to die.

Thank You and Amen.

Secondly, I must say that I am douche bag for being such a douche bag hater. But, hey, love the sinner not the sin, right?

Oh and to check out Erin’s cause by going to her website: www.fagbug.com