Take The Hint, Get A Clue & STFU!

Submitted Story:

My wife and I had friends visiting from out of state, while they were here we took them out to dinner at my favorite restaurant/pub. We'd just finished dinner and were chatting, when some guy who looked vaguely, distantly familiar - as in didn't I see you at a stop light last week? familiar - who has been sitting at the table next to us for most of our meal says my name.

I had no idea who this guy was.

Days later, I'm still not sure but I think he might have been an acquaintance from back when I was trying on church - like ten years ago. I didn't even remember this guys name, I had to ask. Seeing as how I know the waiters better than I know this guy, I was hoping to go for a quick exchange of cordial greetings and then back to my dinner guest - my friends I haven't seen in months, invited out to dinner and whose conversation was just interrupted by a practical stranger.

A stranger who just couldn't take the hint....

Attempt #1 to end the conversation: Well it was nice to see you again, I hope your family is well.

By the way, I hope you're family is well is not an invitation to tell me all about your family, or your wife - what's her name OR to engage me in a lengthy conversation about what I do for a living. (All of which he did.)

Attempt #2 to end the conversation: Introducing my out of town friends, and stressing the fact that they are from out of town, are here for a very short while and I haven't seen them in months!

By the way. this is not a segue to ask me all about my job, my family and what I've been up to for the past decade. (Thank god my friends have a sense of humor. They found the whole situation highly amusing and were concealing their laughter behind bright red faces, huddled together as if sharing some private - and hilarious - conversation)

Attempt #3 to end the conversation: Completely fed up at this point, (wishing I drank more) and much to the delight of fellow pub patrons, the wait staff, my wife and my friends - who all get that I'm trying and failing to end this conversation, the guy who apparently knows me and my family SO well asks: "How's your mom?"

My mom died over five years ago, a prominent member of our community, more than one local paper wrote articles (not standard obits) about her life/death. The city where she worked built and dedicated a walking trail in her name, and police and fire services shut down roads for her funeral motorcade....

So I replied, "My mom?"

Douchebag: "Yeah, you're mom. I haven't seen her in a while. How's she doing? How's her health?" (now, from time to time, despite my mother being so well known, I do run into people who didn't hear about her untimely death. It's a sensitive issue that I usually tackle with a velvet glove because it's always a bit of a shock for someone receiving the news for the first time. but I was completely fed up with this guy.)

So I replied, "she's dead! " With absolutely NO attempts to sugar-coat or soften the blow. So as neighboring tables erupted into laughter including one guy who shot his mouthful of Guinness all over three of his dinner companions, and one of mine, the douchbag (finally) showed appropriate response by gasping and clutching his hand to his chest.

(P.S. My mom died of a massive heart attack - you've just got to love the irony in that.)

Much to my chagrin, death is not a conversation ender. In response to his shock he stuttered "What? When?" (I guess they were really close or something) I continued with my dead mother assault: "It's been a few years now."

"Six," my wife offered.

"Five and a half," I did the math.

Sensing the next, in a line of questioning I've become quite familiar with, I decided to take the initiative to answer before the question was asked and said, "But my dad's doing great!"

Attempt #4 to end the conversation: (The one that succeeded.) I decided to take the 'out of sight, out of mind' approach, before the conversation that wouldn't end somehow found its way to politics, or worse - religion. And so, after neglecting my friends and entertaining the masses for well over fifteen minutes, I stood and said, "Well, we were just leaving." My friend quickly finished his black and tan, while our wives gathered their purses and we left, continuing OUR conversation in the parking lot of the restaurant.

So now, days later, the story has made the rounds and far away friends are texting me to ask: How's your mom? (Whom I'm sure is also having a good laugh, where ever she is... ) To which I respond: She's dead! (she finally gave up the goat.)

Until the next douche,

How's your mom? How's her health?