Are we still talking about Tiger Woods?

Seriously?

I ran into my own mailbox once, in the middle of the day, sober, not talking on the phone or texting or anything? Can I make headline news?

***Regrettably a True Story***

Thanksgiving quotes....

"Everyone expects me to act like a crazy bitch so I'm going to act like a crazy bitch!"

-Said by my mother at 9:30 a.m. that morning.

Me: "Why did you flip your son off during the prayer?"

Brother-in-law: "Because he's having a birthday soon."

Thanksgiving - A brief update

My favorite part of Thanksgiving, (apart from the food) was the prayer given by my father. It went a little something like this:

"Heavenly Father, we're not Catholic...."

Glad we cleared that up!

And it begins....

I think I'm going to have to document the Thanksgiving madness in smaller increments so I can better digest it. Starting with last night....When I told my mom we needed to talk "Thanksgiving" and she threw her hands up in the air and started waving me off saying she didn't want to talk about it. Then she had to add that nothing was going to get done anyways so why bother....this is normal. This is why she becomes a basket case on Thanksgiving....But I got her to talk about what needed to be done and pulled in reinforcements from family to help things move a tad smoother.

So I'm feeling pretty good about that.

Then I wake up this morning and my husband tells me that he couldn't sleep last night and got to thinking about all the things he is frustrated about with my sister and her husband (regarding a business that he started with her husband) and decides to send her and her husband a pissy e-mail.

It was her birthday today.

Ooops. Guess my husband forgot.

My sister's used to someone freaking out on her on her birthday. What my husband did still doesn't beat the year that my sister got the double flip off from my mom. But I think it's in close second.

I can already feel myself wanting to stress eat....I guess I can be grateful for the fact that there will be plenty of food to do that with tomorrow.

Thanksgiving Traditions

Thanksgiving isn't a holiday I look forward to because my family is crazy...hence the douche blog.

The last two years my father has told me to eff off. Of course he said the actual word, but I will edit it out and use eff instead so that in a hundred years eff can be the first three letter curse word.

With that being said I'm thinking that if my dad tells me to eff off this year I'm considering it a tradition.

See the last two years he told me to eff off because I was sitting in HIS chair. I didn't know he had a chair, but what usually happens is I end up doing everyone else a favor by cramming myself into the smallest space around the dining room table in the cramped dining room. Then when my father yells at me for being in his chair and orders me to move, I do him another favor by relaying to him (since apparently he's not seeing it) that his 300 + lb ass is not going to fit there, and he needs to sit elsewhere, hence the eff off. Naturally I say it with a little more class than that...just a little....

I also may have some friends coming for Thanksgiving, which should be interesting since my family has no filters on what they should or should not say in front of/or to people they don't know. Politeness doesn't exist within these family walls.

I remember last time I had a friend over my father asked him if he was gay. Awkward.

In which case my friend responded with a surprising, "I don't know, maybe."????? and we're still waiting for the closet to swing open on that one?!?

Oh, family traditions, can't wait to see what happens this year. I'll keep you posted!

Speaking of Karma

I say what I'm about to say in reference to my last post...

One of the really difficult things about an anger blog, for me, is that I realize that you can't really be angry at someone or something without realizing on some level that you, too, are a douche. (This is true in most cases, NOT all, and if your assuming your case is the exception there is a 99.9% chance that you are WRONG.)

***Brief Moment of Psychobabble***
All anger is a projection

Now with that being said, anger is a human emotion that gets to be expressed. It doesn't, however, validate your own superiority, and reinforce your right thinking.

Speaking of Karmic Projection:

I'm about to turn 27.
I live with my parents.
I'm broke.
I am getting adult acne.

Basically I'm reliving all the things that sucked about being 17.

What the hell?

That is why I want to acknowledge that I've got plenty of my own douche just as much as the next person does. Even the dumbass douches that listen to Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity.

But seriously, people who use the word "gay" to denote something other than happiness or same sex attraction are super-douches. It had to be said.

Thank you and goodnight.

Karma

I've decided that I would like to assist in fulfilling peoples karma. What more noble a calling can you have then to be the deliverance of someones karmic debt. But in order for me to do this, I will need YOUR help.

I've decided, for now, that I'd like to start paying karmic debt to all those people who ignorantly and flippantly say "that's so gay." in regards to something that is stupid or ugly.

I will begin this quest by gathering names of those who use such phrases, and begin to use their name instead.

"That's so gay," now becomes "that's so Jessica." I also thought about using racial profiling since most of the people I know that say dumbass things of this nature are white teenage males that don't know what it's like to be a minority. So what would it be then? "That's so cracker?" "That's so prepubescent teen?" I'm working with the logistics here, but you get the idea.

Next week I think I will do George W. Bush supporters karma where a member of you household will be tortured.

Oh, too soon?

Okay, Glenn Beck, and Sean Hannity supporters then. We will force you to listen to the ramblings of paranoid schizo's that have delusions of being a real reporter, and I'll make sure that one of the paranoid schizo's has loose tear ducts to make it fair.

Oh wait, you're already doing that. Silly me. I'll think of something more karmically legit for that one.