A real thing according to my husband who had a brilliant revelation the other day about his gut.
My husband realized that his gut hangs just over the elastic waistband of his underwear. With this realization he presupposed that it was the elastic waistband causing the gut issues, not his addiction to ice cream.
Thus Guttersize happened. An easy process to get rid of that flab with out lifting a finger. All you have to do is wear your elastic waistband just around the prominent bulge of the gut, rather than underneath it.
So Don't lose that gut, simply redistribute it!
Guttersize! Apply directly to the gut!
Guttersize! Apply directly to the gut!
Guttersize! Apply directly to the gut!
(Available at Walgreens)
I can see the infomercial now.
A million dollar idea that we can sell to all those people who believe getting in shape includes fad diets, no exercise, and gut redistribution.
I'm sure in ten years of wearing your underwear waistband like Erkle it will make a smidgen of a difference. Keep it up honey!
***Note***
If you don't know what commercial I'm dually douching right now refer to the videobar.
P.S. I wish I was kidding about this post but I'm not. When my husband explained this to me and group of his friends he was dead serious and has consequently been wearing the elastic waistband of his underwear just around the bulge of his gut. It's hilarious...yet sad.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
The almost 40-year-old virgin....
I would like to douche the almost forty year old virgin (39 years 9 months 23 days) who called me before his weekend mini-break with his boyfriend to inform me that he wasn't planning on being a virgin after said mini-break and then called me a couple of days after to inform that he was in fact, no longer a virgin... (Squeee!!!)
Having said that, I must give props for his straight-faced ability to brag to others that he'd had more sex that weekend than he'd ever had before.... So they must have done it.... once?
-Douche Anony
Yeah I'm going to have to add that if you can still count the number of times you've had sex, it's not worth bragging about.
Having said that, I must give props for his straight-faced ability to brag to others that he'd had more sex that weekend than he'd ever had before.... So they must have done it.... once?
-Douche Anony
Yeah I'm going to have to add that if you can still count the number of times you've had sex, it's not worth bragging about.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Homo-sex-skew-als!
BOO!
There it is. Gayness. Like a scary ghost creeping up on us all. Luckily I've looked at some trends with the gay men and women in my life and realized that there is a way to avoid becoming gay, and gearing our children on a path where they two will avoid falling into the pernicious trap. Prepare to be amazed.
****Before We Begin****
Seriously consider whether you want to keep reading. The choice is yours.
1. Heterosexual parents gotta go. Every gay person I know has two heterosexual parents. Strangely enough most of them are still married. I'm thinking a broken family with maybe a bisexual parent thrown into the mix might protect your children. I don't know. I'm just saying.
2. Men need to get laid at a young age. Every gay man I know never got any action from the opposite sex while they were young. Forget abstinence. Abstinence is for future gays. They go so long without sex that they start thinking their into guys. So if you don't want your son to be gay, best to forget the abstinence speech. (Note: Some of you may be thinking that the reason why they didn't have sex with girls is because they are GAY. Well you know what I say to that! "Blah, Blah, Blah, I can't hear you.")
Oh and for the young ladies out there abistinence is key. We all saw the Seinfeld episode where George turned a woman gay. The key to protecting yourself and your children from becoming gay is to NOT have sex with men. Especially if they have a receding hairline. TRAUMA.
Moving right along.
3. All of them were raised in a church that were pro marriage between a man and a woman. All that pressure to be married to the opposite sex obviously must have been too much to handle so they snapped and went gay. I see it happen all the time.
****Or theres always the other option****
Which would be to embrace in a very lovingly way that gay people are simply that way because that's how they were born.
Which brings me to my next point:
****The Gay Gene****
Yes, it does exist. And the only reason why I write this is because I'm feeling exhausted by people who don't yet know this. It's tiring really. I'm falling asleep just thinking about.
****Warning****
This isn't a particularly funny post. Unless you have a weird twisted sense of humor, which I can appreciate.
So I am debating on whether I should go on a self righteous tirade about other self righteous people that assume being gay has to do with upbringing, or choice, or whatever....
****Important Note****
I chose into the self-righteous tirade.
You know, personally, I'm all up for choosing into something that I would be judged and oppressed for. Who wouldn't choose to be gay and have everyone condemn you and oppress you? Honestly.
****FYI****
My last comment was a joke coming from a smart ass.
Truthfully....
I have a profound respect for anyone who chooses to follow their truth despite what others may think or do to them. Case in Point: Jesus Christ. He was pretty cool like that.
Jesus's whole purpose for his life was to teach about LOVE. Love thy neighbor as thyself. I find that when I do that, I truly realize that my neighbor is more like me than I had previously judged. Case in Point: Gay's choose to live their truth just as I choose to live my truth.
****Another Important Note****
I'm not quite sure if this is a Jesus approved post, due to all the smart ass comments, and self righteous undertones....Unless we're talking about the Jesus I recently picked up for Tijuana.
****However****
Jesus does approve of looking towards other people with love. But it doesn't count if it's the self-righteous "love the sinner not the sin" kind of love which I've already previously douched.
So with that said if you would like more info on the gay gene you can look up Dr. Dean Hamer the person who has been credited for finding it, it's called the Xq28 chromosome.
Dr. Hamer has Phd. from Harvard.
For those of you who have enjoyed the benefits of Prozac and other antidepressants you can thank him for finding the gene for the serotonin transporter.
He's also written a book about The God Gene, believing our spiritual experiences are hard wired into our genes.
Der.
We are God and God is us, why wouldn't he be hard wired into our genes?
Makes perfect sense to me.
Anywho. I really just had to write this post because I was genuinely irritated and couldn't work on my other creative projects because of my rage.
Rage a-hol.
Oh yes.
Very therapeutic.
That's whats great about people today. Forget organizing protests to deal with the rage and create social change. Just blog about it and then forget you ever wrote it.
Nice.
There it is. Gayness. Like a scary ghost creeping up on us all. Luckily I've looked at some trends with the gay men and women in my life and realized that there is a way to avoid becoming gay, and gearing our children on a path where they two will avoid falling into the pernicious trap. Prepare to be amazed.
****Before We Begin****
Seriously consider whether you want to keep reading. The choice is yours.
1. Heterosexual parents gotta go. Every gay person I know has two heterosexual parents. Strangely enough most of them are still married. I'm thinking a broken family with maybe a bisexual parent thrown into the mix might protect your children. I don't know. I'm just saying.
2. Men need to get laid at a young age. Every gay man I know never got any action from the opposite sex while they were young. Forget abstinence. Abstinence is for future gays. They go so long without sex that they start thinking their into guys. So if you don't want your son to be gay, best to forget the abstinence speech. (Note: Some of you may be thinking that the reason why they didn't have sex with girls is because they are GAY. Well you know what I say to that! "Blah, Blah, Blah, I can't hear you.")
Oh and for the young ladies out there abistinence is key. We all saw the Seinfeld episode where George turned a woman gay. The key to protecting yourself and your children from becoming gay is to NOT have sex with men. Especially if they have a receding hairline. TRAUMA.
Moving right along.
3. All of them were raised in a church that were pro marriage between a man and a woman. All that pressure to be married to the opposite sex obviously must have been too much to handle so they snapped and went gay. I see it happen all the time.
****Or theres always the other option****
Which would be to embrace in a very lovingly way that gay people are simply that way because that's how they were born.
Which brings me to my next point:
****The Gay Gene****
Yes, it does exist. And the only reason why I write this is because I'm feeling exhausted by people who don't yet know this. It's tiring really. I'm falling asleep just thinking about.
****Warning****
This isn't a particularly funny post. Unless you have a weird twisted sense of humor, which I can appreciate.
So I am debating on whether I should go on a self righteous tirade about other self righteous people that assume being gay has to do with upbringing, or choice, or whatever....
****Important Note****
I chose into the self-righteous tirade.
You know, personally, I'm all up for choosing into something that I would be judged and oppressed for. Who wouldn't choose to be gay and have everyone condemn you and oppress you? Honestly.
****FYI****
My last comment was a joke coming from a smart ass.
Truthfully....
I have a profound respect for anyone who chooses to follow their truth despite what others may think or do to them. Case in Point: Jesus Christ. He was pretty cool like that.
Jesus's whole purpose for his life was to teach about LOVE. Love thy neighbor as thyself. I find that when I do that, I truly realize that my neighbor is more like me than I had previously judged. Case in Point: Gay's choose to live their truth just as I choose to live my truth.
****Another Important Note****
I'm not quite sure if this is a Jesus approved post, due to all the smart ass comments, and self righteous undertones....Unless we're talking about the Jesus I recently picked up for Tijuana.
****However****
Jesus does approve of looking towards other people with love. But it doesn't count if it's the self-righteous "love the sinner not the sin" kind of love which I've already previously douched.
So with that said if you would like more info on the gay gene you can look up Dr. Dean Hamer the person who has been credited for finding it, it's called the Xq28 chromosome.
Dr. Hamer has Phd. from Harvard.
For those of you who have enjoyed the benefits of Prozac and other antidepressants you can thank him for finding the gene for the serotonin transporter.
He's also written a book about The God Gene, believing our spiritual experiences are hard wired into our genes.
Der.
We are God and God is us, why wouldn't he be hard wired into our genes?
Makes perfect sense to me.
Anywho. I really just had to write this post because I was genuinely irritated and couldn't work on my other creative projects because of my rage.
Rage a-hol.
Oh yes.
Very therapeutic.
That's whats great about people today. Forget organizing protests to deal with the rage and create social change. Just blog about it and then forget you ever wrote it.
Nice.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Gotta love the TMI quotes
Shia Lebeouf claims his sense of humor is derived from "seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked -- just weird hippie stuff."
Thanks Shia.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Quotes that don't make sense
Ya know the old saying "give up the ghost" well my douche bag relative thought it was "give up the goat," which apparently makes perfect sense to him since he had a goat that died when he was a kid. Note the person that said this is a respectable business man. The quote was, to be exact:
"My old phone finally gave up the goat."
Good times.
"My old phone finally gave up the goat."
Good times.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Swine Flu
So yeah, had a little swine flu scare. Not a big deal except that EVERYONE else is freaking out...
***Important note to the story***
I live in my parents basement. Don't judge me.
***Back to the story***
I have the swine flu. Or do I? If you ask my doctor she would say there was a chance that test showed a false negative. If you ask a few of my various family members they would tell you I’m basically pre-apocalyptic.
It's the FLU people. Exactly the same as the flu! Except we are calling it a pandemic, highlighting every known death and, and blaming it on the poor little piggies.
If we highlighted every person that died every year from the flu people would probably be wetting their panties. There's no big dif. Seriously.
If I told you I had the regular old flu would you quarantine me to the basement?
Well, with my family, that would still be a yes, but it’s worse now because apparently it’s the swine flu!
See here’s the problem. I had symptoms of the swine flu a couple days before I got officially tested. So before I was tested I had family calling me, that weren’t even around me when I had symptoms, wondering what my symptoms were and worrying that they were going to develop it, that the pandemic would spread, and kill off some of my family members in the process.
My mom’s boss, you know, the one I douche bagged like five posts ago, sends my mom home and won’t let her come back to work until it’s confirmed that I don’t have the swine flu. And even then, she’s still gotta wait a week.
Then I've got my friend, who when I told her I had the swine flu exclaimed "You're going to die!" and basically began funeral arrangements.
Interestingly enough she is the one that gave me the swine flu...
I think everyone should freak out a little more over me having a cough and body aches for a few days.
Then to top it off, my brother called and wanted me to get tested, and was very annoyed when I told him “no” because I didn’t have insurance and didn’t want to pay for it. Douche Bag. So my mom fronts the bill, I get tested and guess what I DON'T HAVE the SWINE FLU, yes, it could have been a false negative since I was already treating it with Tamiflu, but it probably isn’t! Nevertheless, my family is upstairs playing cards and I’m sequestered to the basement.
So I guess the point I’m trying to get at is I probably have a cold, or maybe the regular old flu, and even if I did have the swine flu it’s almost exactly the same as having the regular flu.
FACT, the regular flu kills people, just as same as the swine flu.
FACT, you can recover from the swine flu without treatment, just like the regular flu.
FACT the swine flu was engineered to create mass hysteria….Just kidding. I’m not that right winged.
Actually, for those of you pre-apocalyptic Armageddon types let me just say that it’s probably better that you get the swine flu and build up immunities to it for when God unleashes the real nasty plagues.
What doesn't work with that logic though is that it totally takes God out of the equation. God was the one that said there would be an apocalypse, but apparently the all-powerful God has no control over who lives and who dies during it. I guess that part of the “end of days” is all left up to chance.
I guess.
Douche Bags.
And for those of you who are agnostic, well your just screwed.
***Important note to the story***
I live in my parents basement. Don't judge me.
***Back to the story***
I have the swine flu. Or do I? If you ask my doctor she would say there was a chance that test showed a false negative. If you ask a few of my various family members they would tell you I’m basically pre-apocalyptic.
It's the FLU people. Exactly the same as the flu! Except we are calling it a pandemic, highlighting every known death and, and blaming it on the poor little piggies.
If we highlighted every person that died every year from the flu people would probably be wetting their panties. There's no big dif. Seriously.
If I told you I had the regular old flu would you quarantine me to the basement?
Well, with my family, that would still be a yes, but it’s worse now because apparently it’s the swine flu!
See here’s the problem. I had symptoms of the swine flu a couple days before I got officially tested. So before I was tested I had family calling me, that weren’t even around me when I had symptoms, wondering what my symptoms were and worrying that they were going to develop it, that the pandemic would spread, and kill off some of my family members in the process.
My mom’s boss, you know, the one I douche bagged like five posts ago, sends my mom home and won’t let her come back to work until it’s confirmed that I don’t have the swine flu. And even then, she’s still gotta wait a week.
Then I've got my friend, who when I told her I had the swine flu exclaimed "You're going to die!" and basically began funeral arrangements.
Interestingly enough she is the one that gave me the swine flu...
I think everyone should freak out a little more over me having a cough and body aches for a few days.
Then to top it off, my brother called and wanted me to get tested, and was very annoyed when I told him “no” because I didn’t have insurance and didn’t want to pay for it. Douche Bag. So my mom fronts the bill, I get tested and guess what I DON'T HAVE the SWINE FLU, yes, it could have been a false negative since I was already treating it with Tamiflu, but it probably isn’t! Nevertheless, my family is upstairs playing cards and I’m sequestered to the basement.
So I guess the point I’m trying to get at is I probably have a cold, or maybe the regular old flu, and even if I did have the swine flu it’s almost exactly the same as having the regular flu.
FACT, the regular flu kills people, just as same as the swine flu.
FACT, you can recover from the swine flu without treatment, just like the regular flu.
FACT the swine flu was engineered to create mass hysteria….Just kidding. I’m not that right winged.
Actually, for those of you pre-apocalyptic Armageddon types let me just say that it’s probably better that you get the swine flu and build up immunities to it for when God unleashes the real nasty plagues.
What doesn't work with that logic though is that it totally takes God out of the equation. God was the one that said there would be an apocalypse, but apparently the all-powerful God has no control over who lives and who dies during it. I guess that part of the “end of days” is all left up to chance.
I guess.
Douche Bags.
And for those of you who are agnostic, well your just screwed.
Monday, June 29, 2009
can i quote you on that...
"Is Vermont a state? Because I thought it was in Wisconsin."
-said by my geographically challenged friend
-said by my geographically challenged friend
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
