To commemorate Madonna finally getting permission to adopt "Mercy" James from Africa, I offer you this hilarious SNL video.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Mom Douche
I'm going to do it, I'm going to douche my mother, the woman who gave me life I am douching. And I'm doing it in lieu of father's day, since I know my daddy would like that. Which is why he's a douche, but that's a whole other story entirely.
***Some unknown facts about my mother***
She's predicted the end of the world three times.
When she was pregnant with me, she rode a horse to induce labor. And now I have learning disabilities in the area's of speling and gramar. So if you are ever reading my blog and wanting to edit it...blame her.
She denies that she's predicted the end of the world three times. It must have been one of her other personalities that said it.
She sees herself as a "realist" not a pessimist. Which is another way of saying she's a pessimist.
She has a category of things that are basically of the devil. They include: Doctors, George W. Bush, and Ammonia.
I'm pretty sure, but can't guarantee that I learned the "f" word from her.
For those of you who have read anything Eckhart Tolle, I am her "pain body"...Thanks for the reminder...mom.
She owns EVERY self help book that ever was. She has read only a third of them.
She fills up a 1/4 sometimes 1/3 measuring cup every day with pills, herbs, vitamins, that sort of thing, and has that for breakfast. Then she doesn't eat anything usually the rest of the day. Hey ya know a good way to get your vitamins? By eating food!
And now, for the finale....
I'm out with my mother and sister to a movie. About half way through the projector stops working and the lights come on. So naturally we just sit there, hoping that someone else will go tell them it's not working, so we don't have to get up and move. And my mother, being the REALIST that she is, predicts that the film has melted, and we will know longer be able to continue watching the movie. When we asked her what would have melted the film she said, "The candle behind it."
Now just think about this for minute...
My mother thought that what was projecting the picture on to the screen was a candle. A CANDLE. Wow. That is some serious candle. It's a wonder films don't melt all the time if this is the technology we're using!
Seriously, my mother is a senior citizen and all, but what time does she think she is from? The Flinstone Age?...Had a dinosaur as a dog, drove cars with my feet, watched movies via bonfire projection?
I don't understand. And if I were to call her on it, she would deny that she even said that because of her multiple personalities that can't keep track of what the other one is saying or doing. So there ya go.
Mom, you gave me life, and I love you, even if I am your pain body. But your kind of a douche:)
***Some unknown facts about my mother***
She's predicted the end of the world three times.
When she was pregnant with me, she rode a horse to induce labor. And now I have learning disabilities in the area's of speling and gramar. So if you are ever reading my blog and wanting to edit it...blame her.
She denies that she's predicted the end of the world three times. It must have been one of her other personalities that said it.
She sees herself as a "realist" not a pessimist. Which is another way of saying she's a pessimist.
She has a category of things that are basically of the devil. They include: Doctors, George W. Bush, and Ammonia.
I'm pretty sure, but can't guarantee that I learned the "f" word from her.
For those of you who have read anything Eckhart Tolle, I am her "pain body"...Thanks for the reminder...mom.
She owns EVERY self help book that ever was. She has read only a third of them.
She fills up a 1/4 sometimes 1/3 measuring cup every day with pills, herbs, vitamins, that sort of thing, and has that for breakfast. Then she doesn't eat anything usually the rest of the day. Hey ya know a good way to get your vitamins? By eating food!
And now, for the finale....
I'm out with my mother and sister to a movie. About half way through the projector stops working and the lights come on. So naturally we just sit there, hoping that someone else will go tell them it's not working, so we don't have to get up and move. And my mother, being the REALIST that she is, predicts that the film has melted, and we will know longer be able to continue watching the movie. When we asked her what would have melted the film she said, "The candle behind it."
Now just think about this for minute...
My mother thought that what was projecting the picture on to the screen was a candle. A CANDLE. Wow. That is some serious candle. It's a wonder films don't melt all the time if this is the technology we're using!
Seriously, my mother is a senior citizen and all, but what time does she think she is from? The Flinstone Age?...Had a dinosaur as a dog, drove cars with my feet, watched movies via bonfire projection?
I don't understand. And if I were to call her on it, she would deny that she even said that because of her multiple personalities that can't keep track of what the other one is saying or doing. So there ya go.
Mom, you gave me life, and I love you, even if I am your pain body. But your kind of a douche:)
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