Ted, the Douche

So I uh, was hoping that when I created this blog that it would work as a forum for others to share their stories of douche baginess, but I haven't gotten any submissions, so apparantly I'm the only one with either A. Serious Anger Problems, or B. Serious Douche Bag Problems. Only time will tell.

So here I unveil my FIRST douche bag post. I saved it on my computer after I wrote it, long before I had this blog. I figured it would never see the light of day. It's probably one of the meanest one's I've written. That and the one about my mother. But I figured I'd hold out on posting the one douching my mother until it WASN'T mother's day, to show some respect and what not.

So here it is....My very first douche: Ted.

I’m at film festival near my home town and I’m talking to Erin who’s documentary FagBug was just shown. I smile at her, she’s cute and seems gentle and nice. She searches through a small wad of cash for change for a Fagbug sticker I just purchased and asked me how I liked the show. I, of course say I loved it, which wasn’t a lie, and think about my gay brother and wish he was there, even though he is total annoying older brother pain in the ass.

Then shortly after that, the crowd scatters and another, um, person (Ted, lets say) begins to discuss an issue he had with the projector on her film, (which it was shown late due to this,) and on his tangent he says something along the lines of “screwed up the buthole”.

First of all, who says that? Honestly I am dying to know who actually says that? And secondly in front of a lesbian/gay rights activist? Hello? I was out of breath from shock and by the time I was ready to say “dude, did you just say 'screwed up the butthole'"? and laugh in his face, it was already too late.

Now maybe it’s not that big of the deal, but it seemed offensive. Yes this is what is offensive to me. Lewis Black, the potty mouth comedian, I find hilarious, saying things with bigotry undertones, not funny.

So next time you say something is “gay” try saying it’s “festive” festive is the new gay. Or if you feel like saying someone “jewed” you out of something. Smack yourself across the face. Or next time you find yourself calling someone a “cotton picken” liar, take a sledge hammer to your left knee. And next time you hear yourself saying “love the sinner, not the sin” poke a finger in your own eye and curse yourself for having sex, eating, pooping, laughing, loving, and everything else that is completely natural for you. And make sure to feel really, really guilty about it until you’ve shamed yourself into a corner where you just want to die.

Thank You and Amen.

Secondly, I must say that I am douche bag for being such a douche bag hater. But, hey, love the sinner not the sin, right?

Oh and to check out Erin’s cause by going to her website: www.fagbug.com

Douche Bag of the Week - Thomas Edison - yeah, you heard me right!

Lets take this moment to douche bag a historical figure, because frankly Thomas Edison has been getting on my nerves lately.

I mean the guys all "Look at me I invented light bulb! Blah, blah, blah!"

When really he stole a bunch of Tesla's work and patented it himself! Douche Bag!
Yeah! That's right Tesla was the one with the brains! Especially when it came to a little thing called ALTERNATING CURRENTS.

Ye see people, when it was being decided how electricity would run Tesla was for it alternating, and Edison was for it being direct. Which created the war of Alternating Currents (Tesla's idea) and Direct Current (Douche Bag's idea), and later became the inspiration for a kick-ass band named AC/DC.

Now with that little history lesson out of the way, lets get to the heart of the douching here. When the AC vs. DC debate began, Edison wanted to prove that HIS was better and he did this by gathering up dogs, cats, horses, cows, and on one occasion a friggen ELEPHANT and publicly electrocuting them to death. To death people! In order to prove that AC was "dangerous" even though it's a bunch of B.S. and that's what we actually use NOW! But do we ever learn of this when we talk about how "great" Edison is, the animal killer/douche bag/ stealer of inventions, guy!

No we don't. So I am also douching our school systems, and history books, and my hideous teachers, I know you try, but try harder.

And God bless.