Swine Flu

So yeah, had a little swine flu scare. Not a big deal except that EVERYONE else is freaking out...

***Important note to the story***

I live in my parents basement. Don't judge me.

***Back to the story***

I have the swine flu. Or do I? If you ask my doctor she would say there was a chance that test showed a false negative. If you ask a few of my various family members they would tell you I’m basically pre-apocalyptic.

It's the FLU people. Exactly the same as the flu! Except we are calling it a pandemic, highlighting every known death and, and blaming it on the poor little piggies.

If we highlighted every person that died every year from the flu people would probably be wetting their panties. There's no big dif. Seriously.

If I told you I had the regular old flu would you quarantine me to the basement?

Well, with my family, that would still be a yes, but it’s worse now because apparently it’s the swine flu!

See here’s the problem. I had symptoms of the swine flu a couple days before I got officially tested. So before I was tested I had family calling me, that weren’t even around me when I had symptoms, wondering what my symptoms were and worrying that they were going to develop it, that the pandemic would spread, and kill off some of my family members in the process.

My mom’s boss, you know, the one I douche bagged like five posts ago, sends my mom home and won’t let her come back to work until it’s confirmed that I don’t have the swine flu. And even then, she’s still gotta wait a week.

Then I've got my friend, who when I told her I had the swine flu exclaimed "You're going to die!" and basically began funeral arrangements.

Interestingly enough she is the one that gave me the swine flu...

I think everyone should freak out a little more over me having a cough and body aches for a few days.

Then to top it off, my brother called and wanted me to get tested, and was very annoyed when I told him “no” because I didn’t have insurance and didn’t want to pay for it. Douche Bag. So my mom fronts the bill, I get tested and guess what I DON'T HAVE the SWINE FLU, yes, it could have been a false negative since I was already treating it with Tamiflu, but it probably isn’t! Nevertheless, my family is upstairs playing cards and I’m sequestered to the basement.

So I guess the point I’m trying to get at is I probably have a cold, or maybe the regular old flu, and even if I did have the swine flu it’s almost exactly the same as having the regular flu.

FACT, the regular flu kills people, just as same as the swine flu.
FACT, you can recover from the swine flu without treatment, just like the regular flu.
FACT the swine flu was engineered to create mass hysteria….Just kidding. I’m not that right winged.

Actually, for those of you pre-apocalyptic Armageddon types let me just say that it’s probably better that you get the swine flu and build up immunities to it for when God unleashes the real nasty plagues.

What doesn't work with that logic though is that it totally takes God out of the equation. God was the one that said there would be an apocalypse, but apparently the all-powerful God has no control over who lives and who dies during it. I guess that part of the “end of days” is all left up to chance.

I guess.

Douche Bags.

And for those of you who are agnostic, well your just screwed.

can i quote you on that...

"Is Vermont a state? Because I thought it was in Wisconsin."

-said by my geographically challenged friend