Quotes that don't make sense

"Pull yourself up by your coattails."
-anonymous douche bag

...did you mean bootstraps?

I could douche my husband every week on this thing

But I'm going to try not to. Because I love him. However, I must, MUST, post this.

So my husband and I are going to a birthday party for his step-mom and of course on the drive there he tells me that we were supposed to bring a salad.

Douche.

I wish that I could say this was the first time that he's done this, but it's not. Almost every time we're asked to bring something I find out about it after we've already arrived, while were pulling into the driveway, or a few blocks from the party. I consider this an improvement that he remembered a good 30 minutes before we got to the place. Good job honey! :)

I also wish I could say that I am getting used to this little quirk of my man, but it pisses me of just the same. I know he's ADD and can only handle so much information at a time...but seriously.

So instead of calling him a douche bag, I bite my tongue and don't say anything, ya know in order that I don't damage his self-esteem and what not. Instead I take deep breathes and count backwards from ten, as he decides to swing by the store and take care of it.

Here's the kicker. He calls his step-mom and asks her how many people he needs to bring salad for. Did I mention it was a SURPRISE birthday party?

Yeah....

Surprise sufficiently ruined. Thanks honey. I love you. But you are a douche nozzle.

Quotes that don't make sense

"I'm not anorexic."
-Tori Spelling

Douche Bag of the Week - Mother Nature

In lieu of recently celebrated Earth Day I would like to take this opportunity to Douche Bag Mother Nature.

Now I’m a fan of Mother Nature just as anyone else. I like going for hikes, listening to the babble of an incandescent river, having delightful conversations with birds, and squirrels, and trees, and rocks, and dirt, and that sort of thing.

It’s not like I’m a tree hugger or anything. Besides trees don’t like being hugged. Would you want to be hugged by random sweaty stranger? Didn’t think so.

So while I love Mother Nature, I often times feel baffled by her lack of consistency in the weather. (Which you can’t always blame on global warming and cloud seeding, but lets do it here just for fun.)

Therefore, I blame global warming and cloud seeding. Oh, and our collective carbon footprint (whatever that means) as being responsible for the weather sucking.

It seriously withers away my soul when, one day, I am frolicking outside without shoes, bathing in the sun, feeling a slight itch of hope that my life perhaps is getting better and the only reason why I’ve been crazy the last six months is NOT because I’m hormonal but because I’m vitamin D deficient, and the sun reminds me I have a reason to live! And then it snows, and the itch of hope becomes the rash of injustice!

That’s why I’m douching Mother Nature, and since I missed Earth Day I’ll throw in a complimentary douche for global warming, and mankind in general for our carbon footprint.