Shia Lebeouf claims his sense of humor is derived from "seeing my parents have sex, smoke weed, my mom being naked -- just weird hippie stuff."
Thanks Shia.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Quotes that don't make sense
Ya know the old saying "give up the ghost" well my douche bag relative thought it was "give up the goat," which apparently makes perfect sense to him since he had a goat that died when he was a kid. Note the person that said this is a respectable business man. The quote was, to be exact:
"My old phone finally gave up the goat."
Good times.
"My old phone finally gave up the goat."
Good times.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Swine Flu
So yeah, had a little swine flu scare. Not a big deal except that EVERYONE else is freaking out...
***Important note to the story***
I live in my parents basement. Don't judge me.
***Back to the story***
I have the swine flu. Or do I? If you ask my doctor she would say there was a chance that test showed a false negative. If you ask a few of my various family members they would tell you I’m basically pre-apocalyptic.
It's the FLU people. Exactly the same as the flu! Except we are calling it a pandemic, highlighting every known death and, and blaming it on the poor little piggies.
If we highlighted every person that died every year from the flu people would probably be wetting their panties. There's no big dif. Seriously.
If I told you I had the regular old flu would you quarantine me to the basement?
Well, with my family, that would still be a yes, but it’s worse now because apparently it’s the swine flu!
See here’s the problem. I had symptoms of the swine flu a couple days before I got officially tested. So before I was tested I had family calling me, that weren’t even around me when I had symptoms, wondering what my symptoms were and worrying that they were going to develop it, that the pandemic would spread, and kill off some of my family members in the process.
My mom’s boss, you know, the one I douche bagged like five posts ago, sends my mom home and won’t let her come back to work until it’s confirmed that I don’t have the swine flu. And even then, she’s still gotta wait a week.
Then I've got my friend, who when I told her I had the swine flu exclaimed "You're going to die!" and basically began funeral arrangements.
Interestingly enough she is the one that gave me the swine flu...
I think everyone should freak out a little more over me having a cough and body aches for a few days.
Then to top it off, my brother called and wanted me to get tested, and was very annoyed when I told him “no” because I didn’t have insurance and didn’t want to pay for it. Douche Bag. So my mom fronts the bill, I get tested and guess what I DON'T HAVE the SWINE FLU, yes, it could have been a false negative since I was already treating it with Tamiflu, but it probably isn’t! Nevertheless, my family is upstairs playing cards and I’m sequestered to the basement.
So I guess the point I’m trying to get at is I probably have a cold, or maybe the regular old flu, and even if I did have the swine flu it’s almost exactly the same as having the regular flu.
FACT, the regular flu kills people, just as same as the swine flu.
FACT, you can recover from the swine flu without treatment, just like the regular flu.
FACT the swine flu was engineered to create mass hysteria….Just kidding. I’m not that right winged.
Actually, for those of you pre-apocalyptic Armageddon types let me just say that it’s probably better that you get the swine flu and build up immunities to it for when God unleashes the real nasty plagues.
What doesn't work with that logic though is that it totally takes God out of the equation. God was the one that said there would be an apocalypse, but apparently the all-powerful God has no control over who lives and who dies during it. I guess that part of the “end of days” is all left up to chance.
I guess.
Douche Bags.
And for those of you who are agnostic, well your just screwed.
***Important note to the story***
I live in my parents basement. Don't judge me.
***Back to the story***
I have the swine flu. Or do I? If you ask my doctor she would say there was a chance that test showed a false negative. If you ask a few of my various family members they would tell you I’m basically pre-apocalyptic.
It's the FLU people. Exactly the same as the flu! Except we are calling it a pandemic, highlighting every known death and, and blaming it on the poor little piggies.
If we highlighted every person that died every year from the flu people would probably be wetting their panties. There's no big dif. Seriously.
If I told you I had the regular old flu would you quarantine me to the basement?
Well, with my family, that would still be a yes, but it’s worse now because apparently it’s the swine flu!
See here’s the problem. I had symptoms of the swine flu a couple days before I got officially tested. So before I was tested I had family calling me, that weren’t even around me when I had symptoms, wondering what my symptoms were and worrying that they were going to develop it, that the pandemic would spread, and kill off some of my family members in the process.
My mom’s boss, you know, the one I douche bagged like five posts ago, sends my mom home and won’t let her come back to work until it’s confirmed that I don’t have the swine flu. And even then, she’s still gotta wait a week.
Then I've got my friend, who when I told her I had the swine flu exclaimed "You're going to die!" and basically began funeral arrangements.
Interestingly enough she is the one that gave me the swine flu...
I think everyone should freak out a little more over me having a cough and body aches for a few days.
Then to top it off, my brother called and wanted me to get tested, and was very annoyed when I told him “no” because I didn’t have insurance and didn’t want to pay for it. Douche Bag. So my mom fronts the bill, I get tested and guess what I DON'T HAVE the SWINE FLU, yes, it could have been a false negative since I was already treating it with Tamiflu, but it probably isn’t! Nevertheless, my family is upstairs playing cards and I’m sequestered to the basement.
So I guess the point I’m trying to get at is I probably have a cold, or maybe the regular old flu, and even if I did have the swine flu it’s almost exactly the same as having the regular flu.
FACT, the regular flu kills people, just as same as the swine flu.
FACT, you can recover from the swine flu without treatment, just like the regular flu.
FACT the swine flu was engineered to create mass hysteria….Just kidding. I’m not that right winged.
Actually, for those of you pre-apocalyptic Armageddon types let me just say that it’s probably better that you get the swine flu and build up immunities to it for when God unleashes the real nasty plagues.
What doesn't work with that logic though is that it totally takes God out of the equation. God was the one that said there would be an apocalypse, but apparently the all-powerful God has no control over who lives and who dies during it. I guess that part of the “end of days” is all left up to chance.
I guess.
Douche Bags.
And for those of you who are agnostic, well your just screwed.
Monday, June 29, 2009
can i quote you on that...
"Is Vermont a state? Because I thought it was in Wisconsin."
-said by my geographically challenged friend
-said by my geographically challenged friend
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Adoption Douche
To commemorate Madonna finally getting permission to adopt "Mercy" James from Africa, I offer you this hilarious SNL video.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Mom Douche
I'm going to do it, I'm going to douche my mother, the woman who gave me life I am douching. And I'm doing it in lieu of father's day, since I know my daddy would like that. Which is why he's a douche, but that's a whole other story entirely.
***Some unknown facts about my mother***
She's predicted the end of the world three times.
When she was pregnant with me, she rode a horse to induce labor. And now I have learning disabilities in the area's of speling and gramar. So if you are ever reading my blog and wanting to edit it...blame her.
She denies that she's predicted the end of the world three times. It must have been one of her other personalities that said it.
She sees herself as a "realist" not a pessimist. Which is another way of saying she's a pessimist.
She has a category of things that are basically of the devil. They include: Doctors, George W. Bush, and Ammonia.
I'm pretty sure, but can't guarantee that I learned the "f" word from her.
For those of you who have read anything Eckhart Tolle, I am her "pain body"...Thanks for the reminder...mom.
She owns EVERY self help book that ever was. She has read only a third of them.
She fills up a 1/4 sometimes 1/3 measuring cup every day with pills, herbs, vitamins, that sort of thing, and has that for breakfast. Then she doesn't eat anything usually the rest of the day. Hey ya know a good way to get your vitamins? By eating food!
And now, for the finale....
I'm out with my mother and sister to a movie. About half way through the projector stops working and the lights come on. So naturally we just sit there, hoping that someone else will go tell them it's not working, so we don't have to get up and move. And my mother, being the REALIST that she is, predicts that the film has melted, and we will know longer be able to continue watching the movie. When we asked her what would have melted the film she said, "The candle behind it."
Now just think about this for minute...
My mother thought that what was projecting the picture on to the screen was a candle. A CANDLE. Wow. That is some serious candle. It's a wonder films don't melt all the time if this is the technology we're using!
Seriously, my mother is a senior citizen and all, but what time does she think she is from? The Flinstone Age?...Had a dinosaur as a dog, drove cars with my feet, watched movies via bonfire projection?
I don't understand. And if I were to call her on it, she would deny that she even said that because of her multiple personalities that can't keep track of what the other one is saying or doing. So there ya go.
Mom, you gave me life, and I love you, even if I am your pain body. But your kind of a douche:)
***Some unknown facts about my mother***
She's predicted the end of the world three times.
When she was pregnant with me, she rode a horse to induce labor. And now I have learning disabilities in the area's of speling and gramar. So if you are ever reading my blog and wanting to edit it...blame her.
She denies that she's predicted the end of the world three times. It must have been one of her other personalities that said it.
She sees herself as a "realist" not a pessimist. Which is another way of saying she's a pessimist.
She has a category of things that are basically of the devil. They include: Doctors, George W. Bush, and Ammonia.
I'm pretty sure, but can't guarantee that I learned the "f" word from her.
For those of you who have read anything Eckhart Tolle, I am her "pain body"...Thanks for the reminder...mom.
She owns EVERY self help book that ever was. She has read only a third of them.
She fills up a 1/4 sometimes 1/3 measuring cup every day with pills, herbs, vitamins, that sort of thing, and has that for breakfast. Then she doesn't eat anything usually the rest of the day. Hey ya know a good way to get your vitamins? By eating food!
And now, for the finale....
I'm out with my mother and sister to a movie. About half way through the projector stops working and the lights come on. So naturally we just sit there, hoping that someone else will go tell them it's not working, so we don't have to get up and move. And my mother, being the REALIST that she is, predicts that the film has melted, and we will know longer be able to continue watching the movie. When we asked her what would have melted the film she said, "The candle behind it."
Now just think about this for minute...
My mother thought that what was projecting the picture on to the screen was a candle. A CANDLE. Wow. That is some serious candle. It's a wonder films don't melt all the time if this is the technology we're using!
Seriously, my mother is a senior citizen and all, but what time does she think she is from? The Flinstone Age?...Had a dinosaur as a dog, drove cars with my feet, watched movies via bonfire projection?
I don't understand. And if I were to call her on it, she would deny that she even said that because of her multiple personalities that can't keep track of what the other one is saying or doing. So there ya go.
Mom, you gave me life, and I love you, even if I am your pain body. But your kind of a douche:)
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
the yeastie-beasties
Ya know what I'd REALLY like to douche bag right now! Acidophilous....
You heard me right, I'm douching a...uh...what the hell is acidophilous? Mineral? Vitamin? Herb? Well whatever it is, it's meant to combat yeast build-up in the body, for which I have been specifically taking it for....and what do I wake up with this morning?
I'd have you guess, but you're probably thinking "she wouldn't go there"...oh but I would!
A friggen YEAST INFECTION! Which the treatment for comes in packages of GOO. GOO people!
Not to mention I have aqua marine colored hair from the swimming pool, which is a whole other douche I can't get into right now because none of you would believe me anyways.
But what am I supposed to do? Walk into my local grocer, with mermaid hair, checking out with a box of vaginal cream and the itching desire to...well you know. Ridiculous I tell you...
Oh and one other thing OSAMA BIN LADEN is an asshole douche bag for threatening the U.S. once again....
It had to be said. And right now I can't come up with anything more clever than that to say because of the unholiness happening in my underwear.
Is this a TMI?
It's a TMI.
You heard me right, I'm douching a...uh...what the hell is acidophilous? Mineral? Vitamin? Herb? Well whatever it is, it's meant to combat yeast build-up in the body, for which I have been specifically taking it for....and what do I wake up with this morning?
I'd have you guess, but you're probably thinking "she wouldn't go there"...oh but I would!
A friggen YEAST INFECTION! Which the treatment for comes in packages of GOO. GOO people!
Not to mention I have aqua marine colored hair from the swimming pool, which is a whole other douche I can't get into right now because none of you would believe me anyways.
But what am I supposed to do? Walk into my local grocer, with mermaid hair, checking out with a box of vaginal cream and the itching desire to...well you know. Ridiculous I tell you...
Oh and one other thing OSAMA BIN LADEN is an asshole douche bag for threatening the U.S. once again....
It had to be said. And right now I can't come up with anything more clever than that to say because of the unholiness happening in my underwear.
Is this a TMI?
It's a TMI.
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